There’s nothing like breaking the ice in your classroom than a good, old-fashioned, corny teacher joke! Now you can stock up with this awesome list.
- What do you call Santa’s brothers and sisters? Relative clauses.
- “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Punctuation is important.
- A man went into a fish shop and said, “Can I have a tail end, please?”
So the man behind the counter said, ‘And they all lived happily ever after.’
- Whoever put the “b” in SUBTLE deserves a pat on the back.
- The past, the present and the future all walked into a bar. It was tense.
- Double negatives are a big NO-NO.
- Teacher: “Name two pronouns?”
Student: “Who, me?”
- What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
- 5 vowels, 8 consonants, a comma, and an exclamation mark appeared in court today. They’re due to be sentenced some time next month.
- What do you say to comfort a Grammar teacher? There Their They’re.
- Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.
- “Can I go to the toilet?”
“I don’t know, can you?”
- “Can I ask you a question?”
“You just have.”
- Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- “What can you tell me about angle c?”
“Hmm, it’s acute?”
“No, it’s a small island off the north coast of Wales.”
- There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this.
- A farmer told his dog to find the sheep and round them up. When the dog came back he asked how many sheep there were and the dog said “50”. The farmer said “Hmm, that’s funny. There were only forty-seven this morning.” The dog replied: “You said round them up.”
- Why do teenagers always travel in groups of three?
Because they can’t even.
- Went to Fibonacci conference last week, was as good as the last two put together.
- Why is the corner always the hottest part of the room?
Because it’s 90 degrees
- Do you know what’s odd?
Numbers that can’t be divided by 2.
- Why was the fraction skeptical about marrying the decimal?
Because he would have to convert.
- Why is the obtuse triangle upset?
Because he’s never right.
- What do you call an empty parrot cage?
- What do you call a group of friends who love math?
- Nelson’s Column is 15 ft tall. Nelson was 5 ft tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1
- What type of snake measures 3.14159 meters long?
- You know what’s odd? Every other number.
- What does the 0 say the 8?
“I like your belt.”
- I went on holiday last week. I got an odd-job man in, gave him a list of ten jobs to do while I was away. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1,3,5,7, and 9.
- Where are all the top mathematicians buried? In the Symmetry.
- I always give 100% at school. 30% on Mondays, 25% on Tuesdays, 20% on Wednesdays, 15% on Thursdays and 10% on Fridays!
- In the Periodic Table class, teachers have been warned not to let iron and carbon sit beside each other due to their tendency to steal.
- What do you call a ruler, protractor and a compass all hanging out together? Weapons of math instruction.
- What did the acorn say when it grew up? “Geometry” (gee-I’m-a-tree)
- What do you call an adorable angle… Acute angle!
- Why don’t mathematicians sunbathe? Because they can use sin and cos to get a tan
- When teaching how to tell the time:
“What’s a dentist’s favorite time of day? Tooth-hurty!
- My math teacher asked me why I was doing my sums on the floor.
I said: “You told us to do them without using tables.”
- ‘Geology Rocks!’
- What does the thermometer say to the cylinder?
“You may have graduated, but I sure have more degrees than you.”
- What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium then you’d better barium
- What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-oh acid.
- Why do geographers find mountains so funny?
Because they’re hill areas.
- A photon walks into a hotel and asks if he needs any help with his luggage. The photon responds: “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
- Never trust an atom.. they make up everything.
- Chemists are always great at solving problems because they have all the solutions.
- Reading a book on antigravity at the moment… I just can’t put it down.
- A neutron walks into a bar, and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender responds: “For you, no charge.”
- I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating and I was like “OMg”
- One tectonic plate bumped into another one and said: “Oops, my fault!”
- Why did the cloud date the fog?
Because he was so down to earth.
- Since light travels faster than sound, people may appear smart until you hear them speak.
- What’s your favorite element? Helium. I can’t speak highly enough about it
- What’s the ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter?
- Pascal, Newton, and Einstein are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides but Newton draws a 1m square around himself. Einstein finishes counting and says: “Newton, found you.”
“No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”
- There are 10 types of people that understand binary. Those that do and those that don’t.
- XX female
- An atom was sitting by the side of the lab crying. A second atom came over and asked if the first atom was OK. The first atom replied “I think I’ve lost an electron,” to which the second atom asked, “Are you positive?”
- Be like a proton, always positive.
- Last night I dreamt I wrote The Lord of the Rings. Then I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
- Why does Sweden have barcodes on all of its ships? So they can Scan-di-navy-in.
- What pencil did Shakespeare write with?
- Who’s the King of the classroom? The ruler.
- I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.
- I avoid clichés like the plague.
- Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I’m lost for words.
- I’ve never met a three, but I have… metaphor.
- You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it’ll still be stationary.
- I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke. But it’s not quite Finnish.
- What do you call a belt made from watches? A waist of time.
- Why can’t you run in a camp site but only ran? Because it passed tents.
- “I’d like to start this lesson by showing you a small clip” *pulls out a bulldog clip from pocket* “Here it is!”
- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
- Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize? For being “out standing” in his field.
- What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
- How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke him on.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
- How many eggs do French folk have for breakfast? One. Because one egg is un œuf.
- I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you.
- I will always tell you to follow your dreams, but I’ll never let you sleep in class.
- What did the ghost teacher say to the class?
“Look at the board and I will go through it again.”
History & Geography jokes
- Why did Henry VIII put skittles on his lawn? Because he had to take Anne Boleyn.
- I like Geography. You know where you are with Geography.
- A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
- Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights.
- Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
- What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!
- What did Mason say to Dixon?
We’ve got to draw the line here!
- Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!
- Why was WW1 so quick? Because they were Russian.
Why was WW2 so slow? Because they were Stalin.
- On a scale of one to invading Russia in winter how bad was your idea?
- Where did Nicholas Romanov II get his coffee? Tsarbucks.
- What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a car park? “Over my dead body.”
- Walk into the 18th-century club like “Whatup I died of a cough.”
- A globe means the world to a Geography teacher.
- April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring smallpox.
- How did I get from Iraq to Pakistan at record speed? I-ran
- Who led the Pedants’ Revolt? Which Tyler.
- A man knocks on the door of the Kremlin. “Is Lenin?”
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