Time to learn a few lessons.
School is back, which means that thousands of students strop, kick, scream and plead with God that they could be anywhere else happily return to the classrooms for another year of learning.
Take a look.
1) Phone peril
If your phone goes off in class, it will inevitably be greeted by a large “oooooooohhhhh. Is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?”
2) The bad egg
So this student hasn’t done their homework again, they’re disrupting class and acting the maggot. What punishment haven’t you tried?
Lines? Check. Sent outside the classroom? Check. Visit to the principal’s office? Check. Detention? Check.
Christ, can we just send this child to the moon?
3) Social anxiety
You actually live in fear of being seen in public by one of your students.
For example, if I was out with my girlfriend at the cinema then I’d probably overhear the following on a Monday morning: “I saw Mr Moore out with his girlfriend and they were kissing all the time.”
This is what you really want to say…but you can’t.
4) Broken records
How in the name of God does a student manage to come to school without their bag… twice …in the same week?
Your patience is severely tested.
5) Trying not to laugh
Your student gave an absolutely stupid answer but you have to be professional. “No, 2 2 doesn’t equal 12.”
They’re also usually cheeky feckers, just like this.
6) Social media problems
When a student sends you a friend request on Facebook or follows you on Twitter.
7) Weeping for the future of the English language
It’s not uncommon to read something like this. “Here’s da story, rite. Ur man MacBeth was a bit of a made yoke and his missus was cray-cray also.” Jesus wept.
They’ll always command more attention from your students than you ever will. You want to do this.
9) The name game
You still find it strange when your own friends call you by your actual name.
10) Little pocket presents
It’s not uncommon to find staples, glue, crayons, pencils or even a scissors in your pockets at the end of the day.
11) The teacher voice
You know that shit is about to get serious when your teacher voice is used.
On the plus side, this voice also commands respect whenever you leave the classroom. Win-win.
12) You start to treat adults like children
You’ve heard every excuse under the sun so any adult that offers you a reason as to why they’re late is instantly treated with suspicion.
13) Potential baby names are ruined
If there’s some little shit in your class that’s named Colin then you’ll never date a Colin nor will you entertain the name for your first boy.
14) You’re broke
My own experience here, but every teacher that I’ve ever met is always broke. It must be those lengthy holidays.
15) Chaos, chaos everywhere
If you decide to use the bathroom while in class, this is like an open invitation for your students to instigate WW3.
16) Multi-tasking is the norm
A teacher’s brain is like having Google Chrome opened with 7,324 tabs at the ready. There’s no time for this…
17) The harsh truth
Not all kids are all exceptionally well behaved, mannerly or bright.
While you genuinely try to be fair to everyone, it’s almost impossible at times. Admit it, you have your favourites.
18) Hormones everywhere
If you’re in your twenties and teaching in an all boys/girls school then you’re going to be drooled over. It’s a fact and your students probably think of you like this.
19) Parent-teacher meetings are the worst
All parents think that their children are incredibly bright and well-behaved. They’re not, they’re really not. To make things worse, they blame you for the fact that they’re not already in Mensa.
20) The old joke
Do you know the three reasons why people decide to be a teacher? June, July and August. Ha…ha…ha.
21) The small wins
It’s not all bad though. There’s genuine pleasure to be found in grading an A paper, separating the talkers/troublemakers in your class, seeing an improvement in a struggling student, snow days, half-days and weekends.